In any case the individual feels nothing but a combination of sadness, anger, depression, guilt and just a scense of feeling trapped as if there is truely no other way out but to put a stop to their life.
So....there are very few people who made a bonafide attempt AND weren't successful AND weren't severely injured in their attempts (which would keep them depressed for new reasons because now they have to deal with the physical aftermath). Therefore, the group of people who truly have experience in an unharmed aftermath of the suicide attempt isn't huge.
DH is one. In his early 20s, well before I met him. A misfire by his pistol is the only thing that saved him. A gun that had NEVER misfired before, that he took care of, etc etc etc.
He says that yes, those things that people said are what he felt. He actually felt that people would be better off without him around.
And in the INSTANT after he pulled the trigger, he realized that he was incredibly wrong and utterly beyond selfish.
But he doesn't "get to" talk about his actual experience because of the current thinking that it's not selfish, and those people will shout him down.
Even though he made a bonafide, never in a million years did he think it wouldn't succeed, NO warning signs NO cries for help NO calls or anything to try to save himself, attempt, survived, and immediately realized what a horrible idea it had been.
And like *that*, the extreme depression (that he had been dealing with for years) started to lift. He started exercising,weight lifting, etc, and brought himself out of it. The anti-depressant he had been on, which caused some side effects that made it all SO MUCH WORSE, had done nothing. His doctor wouldn't help take him off of it (doc was willing to put him on more drugs to counteract the big side effect, though) so he went off it cold turkey, which was horrid, he tells me. But the drugs weren't needed any longer. The misfire changed everything, and he was able to pull himself out of the hole he had been in.
I think DH is worth listening to, given his experience. He gets to have an opinion.
No matter what the person is feeling and how much we want to soft-pedal the whole thing, DH says it IS the absolutely most selfish thought-process you can have. All you are thinking about is yourself, and you're not listening to anyone else at all. His family and friends told him they loved him, and he would not hear them. he thought they were lying. He was, as he says, completely self-absorbed and selfish.
He, with his experience, has zero problems calling it selfish.
And he's worth listening to on this subject.
