Should I confront my best friend or just accept the situation?

[wenrob]

All good points. The only thing I can say that my friend did to hurt me, was she went out with my SIL knowing I would not be happy and then did not tell me as a way to protect my feelings. She said “I knew you would be mad” exact quote, but went out with her anyways. As far as I know to this moment, that’s it. I’m not mad at her.

Well, based on this thread I probably wouldn’t have told you either.

In the original post she says something about her spreading lies about her doesn’t she? Maybe I’m misunderstanding? I don’t even know anymore lol

The SIL not the friend. I think...

 

[SharonZ]

Not to be rude, but find new friends.

 

[Hikergirl]

All good points. The only thing I can say that my friend did to hurt me, was she went out with my SIL knowing I would not be happy and then did not tell me as a way to protect my feelings. She said “I knew you would be mad” exact quote, but went out with her anyways. As far as I know to this moment, that’s it. I’m not mad at her.

But you want to cancel your trip and now you don't know if you can trust your best friend of 20 years?
OP, I'm going to be honest here and out of the 3 of you in this weird triangle, you seem to be the one with issues.
Your friend is an adult who can spend time with any person she chooses, and she doesn't have an obligation to tell you who she is with if she doesn't want too. By the way you are reacting, it sounds like she had a very good reason (the way you would react) to not mentioning it.
To answer your question in your OP, yes you should just accept that she is friends with your SIL. Unless she gives you a real reason to not trust or, or to cancel your trip then say something, but until then all you are going on is assumptions about what her and your SIL will be talking/gossiping about.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

All my opinion, of course:

I think you are getting some real good advice here.

Regarding your friend not telling you about her hanging out with your SIL... I don't know you or the details behind the situation, but I take it that she didn't want to deal with the drama, not the fact that she thinks she's betraying you by being SIL's friend. The fact that you are discussing this friendship with us I think is fine because getting an outside/non-biased opinion can be good. But going to people who know your SIL and/or your good friend is a bad decision in my opinion. There are no such things as secrets and/or confidences with people who know each other because it's pretty much human nature to share; and even if they understand and are on your side, it can get around that you are talking about your SIL behind her back. In my experience, this can have some negative outcomes.

I understand your hurt, and believe it's legitimate, however, this is about you and what you're willing to live with. If you value your friend then don't try to control who she associates with. I don't think there is an issue to confront her about. However, your feelings are real, and if it is going to cause you heartache you might consider pulling back. I definitely wouldn't talk about your SIL with her, nor your relationship w/your husband unless you're okay with her sharing with your SIL - not that I think she would want to hurt you, but things have a way of coming out in conversation.

I think you being a good friend to her would be to help her not feel awkward because she enjoys being with both of you.

 

[mummabear]

As many others have said we have no right to control who other people are friends with.
However I would be pretty hurt that such a good friend would become friends with my “enemy”, not someone they were already friends with but developing a relationship with someone they knew hurt me.
Hell I don’t go to a local hairdresser becuase my BF has a beef with them.

I don’t think you should confront her though, you will end up looking like the crazy one.

I would just sit out a bit, build on other friendships, don’t do anything to directly cut ties with this one yet, see what happens, be careful what you share with her, don’t be the one to initiate contact, maybe be the one who is a bit busy right now, but don’t let anything blow up because you may really regret it later.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Count me among those posters who feel the drama and conflict in the situation is all stemming from you, OP, at least at this time and based on what information you have provided here.

I am confused as to why/how you are upset that your friend did not tell you she was spending time with your sister in law (whom she knows you are not on good terms with). What would be the point of brining it up to you, other than to create drama or tension? Do you normally expect friends to report to you about who else they socialize with? That is not a reasonable or mature thing to expect from anyone.

I suspect that your friendship with this long time friend might well cool in the coming months (if it hasn't already)---but not becuase your friend is believeing your SIL over you (or choosing her over you), rather because you have shown that you do not trust her to know you and treat you well (by not divulgining confidential information to others, for example) and have shown yourself to be jealous and unreasonably possesive of her----those are things that would cause ME to reevaluate a friendship and turn away from someone, and I doubt I am alone in that.

 

[Allison]

Count me among those posters who feel the drama and conflict in the situation is all stemming from you, OP, at least at this time and based on what information you have provided here.

I am confused as to why/how you are upset that your friend did not tell you she was spending time with your sister in law (whom she knows you are not on good terms with). What would be the point of brining it up to you, other than to create drama or tension? Do you normally expect friends to report to you about who else they socialize with? That is not a reasonable or mature thing to expect from anyone.

I suspect that your friendship with this long time friend might well cool in the coming months (if it hasn't already)---but not becuase your friend is believeing your SIL over you (or choosing her over you), rather because you have shown that you do not trust her to know you and treat you well (by not divulgining confidential information to others, for example) and have shown yourself to be jealous and unreasonably possesive of her----those are things that would cause ME to reevaluate a friendship and turn away from someone, and I doubt I am alone in that.

I have to agree with Hadley.

 

[Princess Steph]

I am confused as to why/how you are upset that your friend did not tell you she was spending time with your sister in law (whom she knows you are not on good terms with). What would be the point of brining it up to you, other than to create drama or tension? Do you normally expect friends to report to you about who else they socialize with? That is not a reasonable or mature thing to expect from anyone.

We have 5-6 mutual friends who she spends time with, without me. No problem. In fact, 2 of those friends were my friends first. They have daughters the same age so naturally became more friendly because of the kids. Never felt a threat to our friendship. She has a teacher friend that was the Confirmation sponsor for her older daughter. A very special honor but I thought nothing of it. I never expect any friends to keep me informed of their social life.
I don’t know what the point of bringing it up is, except to tell her that I don’t want to lose her friendship. That’s what I’m struggling with. I fear anything else may offend her as you say. DH has already warned her not to be manipulated by SIL. He can say it without sounding offensive because he lived it.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

I think your challenge is to make it a non-issue for you so that you don't need to bring it up with her at all.

Good luck. It's never fun working out the nuances that can happen with friendships when there are potential negative influences around.

 

[Skywalker]

I know that on the surface it all seems so foolish and I should ignore it, but it is hard to explain my SIL. Spoke with her cousin last night about all this because she is a very level headed and honest person and would tell me if I was being silly. She knows Lisa and said she is worried about what will happen to my friendship.
I am meeting BFF on Friday for lunch. I will figure out what to say and how to say it. I'll let you all know how it goes but if there is any more advice, I'll take it!

Holy Cow, you are now discussing this with the sister-in-law's cousin?

I think you need to step back... you are creating a whirlwind of drama here where there really shouldn't be any. Talking to the sister in law's cousin, getting your husband to talk to your friend to reinforce how manipulative sister in law is, and now ready to cancel vacation with your friend -- really unless your sister in law poisoned your puppy or something, let it be. It's all just talk. Their relationship is separate from yours.

Sometimes, when you are the type of person that people feel the need to "hide" things from, you might want to ask yourself why.

 

[CynBeth]

As many others have said we have no right to control who other people are friends with.
However I would be pretty hurt that such a good friend would become friends with my “enemy”, not someone they were already friends with but developing a relationship with someone they knew hurt me.
Hell I don’t go to a local hairdresser becuase my BF has a beef with them.

I don’t think you should confront her though, you will end up looking like the crazy one.

I would just sit out a bit, build on other friendships, don’t do anything to directly cut ties with this one yet, see what happens, be careful what you share with her, don’t be the one to initiate contact, maybe be the one who is a bit busy right now, but don’t let anything blow up because you may really regret it later.

I agree. I do not get why the best friend would want to be friends with the SIL knowing how bad the OP gets treated by her but it seems like people always want to be friends with those that act horribly instead of the ones who try to do the right thing and treat people well.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I agree. I do not get why the best friend would want to be friends with the SIL knowing how bad the OP gets treated by her but it seems like people always want to be friends with those that act horribly instead of the ones who try to do the right thing and treat people well.

Obviously, I do not know the full situation---but in my experience with these types of things in general---there are often two very different sides to the story. Remember that the OP'S friend and sister in law met 20 years ago, when OP still got along with her sister in law.

Maybe SiL is just horrible and OP is a saint. BUT, very likely OP and SiL both get on one another's nerves, both behave somewhat badly towards one another, bot hexagerate the drama, etc and both are otherwise perfectly nice and normal people---except when it comes to this one relationship, so the friend is refusing to get sucked into the drama and not giving much credence to either's complaints about the other.