Should I confront my best friend or just accept the situation?

[Princess Steph]

My sister-in-law (who is a pathological liar and manipulator) has befriended my best friend of 20 years. My friend and I travel to WDW every year and we have a trip planned for February. I think I might cancel it. My friend, Deb, did not tell me she was hanging out with my SIL, Lisa, because she “knew I’d get mad” but did anyways. Lisa is telling lies about me to Deb to try to drive us apart. Deb says she is sorry and did not mean to hurt me. She is now getting defensive. I think I should talk to Deb to work it out but I’m afraid I’ll say things that will just erode our friendship more. I feel I can’t trust her and I’m not sure of her loyalty, that’s not something a friend wants to hear. Should I just accept that she is friends with Lisa (I can’t stop her) and see how it goes or tell her how I feel and risk saying something to harm our friendship more?

 

[ThistleMae]

My sister-in-law (who is a pathological liar and manipulator) has befriended my best friend of 20 years. My friend and I travel to WDW every year and we have a trip planned for February. I think I might cancel it. My friend, Deb, did not tell me she was hanging out with my SIL, Lisa, because she “knew I’d get mad” but did anyways. Lisa is telling lies about me to Deb to try to drive us apart. Deb says she is sorry and did not mean to hurt me. She is now getting defensive. I think I should talk to Deb to work it out but I’m afraid I’ll say things that will just erode our friendship more. I feel I can’t trust her and I’m not sure of her loyalty, that’s not something a friend wants to hear. Should I just accept that she is friends with Lisa (I can’t stop her) and see how it goes or tell her how I feel and risk saying something to harm our friendship more?

I'm not sure you should say anything. Your friend is a big girl, let her make her own decisions. If she is truly a friend she will see through the things your SIL is saying, and come to her own conclusions. Just be yourself with her....and let things ride out. My cousins have the same exact situation. They are both sisters, and one is always using every opportunity to trash the other. When she says something to me, I defend her, but it goes in one ear and out the other anyway. It's just how she is. We accept her with all her flaws, and don't let it affect us. She has to live with who she is...who are we to judge. It will be interesting to see what other folks have to say. I recommend you chill and not get involved. Your relationship with your friend is between you and her. Just be you.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I couldn’t be friends with someone who is willing to listen to someone else talk crap about me. Why would someone feel comfortable enough to do that with a person who is supposed to be my friend, possibly the “friend” does it too. See where I’m going with that?

 

[jevs]

This is all too complicated this late at night.

I disengage with people who are two faced if that’s any help with your decisions.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I've never been one to feel like all my friends had to be friends with each other, or that people couldn't hang out with different friends at different times, but I would be suspicious of my "best friend" hanging out with someone who was trash-talking me.

ETA - I'd be worried that anything I said around the friend would get back to the SIL and twisted.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I've never been one to feel like all my friends had to be friends with each other, or that people couldn't hang out with different friends at different times, but I would be suspicious of my "best friend" hanging out with someone who was trash-talking me.

Exactly.

 

[Princess Steph]

I have people telling me I should talk it out with her, but I think I should just let the situation be. If over time I can’t trust her that says something. I told her I need a few days bc I don’t know what to say to her

 

[Princess Steph]

I couldn’t be friends with someone who is willing to listen to someone else talk crap about me. Why would someone feel comfortable enough to do that with a person who is supposed to be my friend, possibly the “friend” does it too. See where I’m going with that?

That’s why I can’t trust either of them or the loyalty. If I did not have to see my SIL I would never talk to her. She is not a nice person. My BFF is just a sweet friendly person but doesn’t think about my feelings

 

[quandrea]

This reminds me of a situation with my estranged mother. She is speaking badly about me to all her friends. Says I don't let her have access to the grandkids. That is one hundred percent untrue. A few of her friends are very close to me too. One is my godmother. The other is my best friend's mom. We rise above my mother's nonsense. We don't talk about my mother and just focus on building our relationships. I think they know that my mother is talking nonsense. I think you should have faith in your friend until she gives you reason not to.

People who know me, know that I act honourably. The same is probably true if your friend.

If this sil is so bad, she may very well poison the relationship she has with your bff all on her own.

 

[Princess Steph]

I've never been one to feel like all my friends had to be friends with each other, or that people couldn't hang out with different friends at different times, but I would be suspicious of my "best friend" hanging out with someone who was trash-talking me.

ETA - I'd be worried that anything I said around the friend would get back to the SIL and twisted.

We both have other close friends that we often hang around. The problem is it’s my SIL and she knows how I feel about her. But said “she’s always been nice to me” like that should justify her reason for hanging around her.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

That’s why I can’t trust either of them or the loyalty. If I did not have to see my SIL I would never talk to her. She is not a nice person. My BFF is just a sweet friendly person but doesn’t think about my feelings

Obviously it’s up to you and a tough decision, but she wouldn’t be my BFF if I couldn’t trust her.

Maybe I’m judging a little harshly here, but “doesn’t think about my feelings” doesn’t equate to being a sweet person. That’s more like a frenemy.

 

[Princess Steph]

This reminds me of a situation with my estranged mother. She is speaking badly about me to all her friends. Says I don't let her have access to the grandkids. That is one hundred percent untrue. A few of her friends are very close to me too. One is my godmother. The other is my best friend's mom. We rise above my mother's nonsense. We don't talk about my mother and just focus on building our relationships. I think they know that my mother is talking nonsense. I think you should have faith in your friend until she gives you reason not to.

People who know me, know that I act honourably. The same is probably true if your friend.

If this sil is so bad, she may very well poison the relationship she has with your bff all on her own.

You make a good point. You think I can trust her to see that the SIL lies and to not believe her? I guess I can put my guard down and if something happens deal with it. I think I’m just trying to protect myself from the inevitable erosion of my friendship

 

[Princess Steph]

Obviously it’s up to you and a tough decision, but she wouldn’t be my BFF if I couldn’t trust her.

Maybe I’m judging a little harshly here, but “doesn’t think about my feelings” doesn’t equate to being a sweet person. That’s more like a frenemy.

Maybe this is all a bit too toxic and I should distance myself more. Our husbands are best friends too so I worry it will effect him. So I feel hurt, guilt, loss, jealousy, threatened, fear and bitterness all at the same time. Not a good feeling. I should have paid attention in Psych class more!

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Maybe this is all a bit too toxic and I should distance myself more. Our husbands are best friends too so I worry it will effect him. So I feel hurt, guilt, loss, jealousy, threatened, fear and bitterness all at the same time. Not a good feeling. I should have paid attention in Psych class more!

It’s so hard!

I don’t envy your position and it’s much easier to judge your situation from my position than I imagine it is yours.

I hope you find some peace soon.

 

[Marchand63]

You make a good point. You think I can trust her to see that the SIL lies and to not believe her? I guess I can put my guard down and if something happens deal with it. I think I’m just trying to protect myself from the inevitable erosion of my friendship

Or a HUGE apology when she sees you SIL for her true self.

 

[Christine]

You have been best friends with this person for 20 years. Have you never discussed the issues with your SIL with her? That's exactly the kind of conversations my best friend and I have. Does you best friend really not have a clue about your SIL "even though she's been nice to her." I have a pathological liar in my life (and this woman is incredible) who is also nice to my face and always has been but I'm not that stupid.

It sounds like your best friend, right now, isn't open to hearing or wanting to acknowledge the truth about your SIL. I didn't sound like anything you say will help. Which makes me question the whole "BFF" relationship. My best friend would never question my feelings on that because we've been best friends for 30 years and she KNOWS me. So either your friendship isn't as solid or true BFF as you think. I just can't imagine a best friend doing this.

That said, I would just let it roll at this point since trash talking your SIL probably isn't going to help the situation. Let your BFF get burned. Be prepared though that whatever the SIL cooks up against you and your BFF is complicit in, could ruin your relationship. This will be your friend's loss.

 

[Princess Steph]

You have been best friends with this person for 20 years. Have you never discussed the issues with your SIL with her? That's exactly the kind of conversations my best friend and I have. Does you best friend really not have a clue about your SIL "even though she's been nice to her." I have a pathological liar in my life (and this woman is incredible) who is also nice to my face and always has been but I'm not that stupid.

It sounds like your best friend, right now, isn't open to hearing or wanting to acknowledge the truth about your SIL. I didn't sound like anything you say will help. Which makes me question the whole "BFF" relationship. My best friend would never question my feelings on that because we've been best friends for 30 years and she KNOWS me. So either your friendship isn't as solid or true BFF as you think. I just can't imagine a best friend doing this.

That said, I would just let it roll at this point since trash talking your SIL probably isn't going to help the situation. Let your BFF get burned. Be prepared though that whatever the SIL cooks up against you and your BFF is complicit in, could ruin your relationship. This will be your friend's loss.

Oh Yes! She knows! Which is why this hurts so much. She knew I’d have a problem and did not care or maybe thought I was exaggerating since the SIL has always been nice to her. My BFF also said that she would be mad if I became friends with her SIL (they don’t get along either) so she should know how I feel

I’m beginning to wonder if my BFF is pursuing this friendship w SIL bc we don’t have as strong a bond as I thought. I’m beginning to question the best friend thing too

 

[mom2rtk]

I would probably let the friendship cool off a bit (not share anything about Lisa, nothing you'd care about Lisa hearing, maybe not see each other quite as often) while waiting for Deb to get burned by Lisa herself.

 

[Shanti]

My sister-in-law (who is a pathological liar and manipulator) has befriended my best friend of 20 years. My friend and I travel to WDW every year and we have a trip planned for February. I think I might cancel it. My friend, Deb, did not tell me she was hanging out with my SIL, Lisa, because she “knew I’d get mad” but did anyways. Lisa is telling lies about me to Deb to try to drive us apart. Deb says she is sorry and did not mean to hurt me. She is now getting defensive. I think I should talk to Deb to work it out but I’m afraid I’ll say things that will just erode our friendship more. I feel I can’t trust her and I’m not sure of her loyalty, that’s not something a friend wants to hear. Should I just accept that she is friends with Lisa (I can’t stop her) and see how it goes or tell her how I feel and risk saying something to harm our friendship more?

Part of being an adult is accepting that your friends can have other friends, even friends that you really dislike/disapprove of. In the situation you described, your friend hasn't done anything wrong, so it wouldn't be fair for you to cancel the trip with her. If I had a friend who tried to control who else I was friends with, that friendship would soon be over.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Maybe this is all a bit too toxic and I should distance myself more. Our husbands are best friends too so I worry it will effect him. So I feel hurt, guilt, loss, jealousy, threatened, fear and bitterness all at the same time. Not a good feeling. I should have paid attention in Psych class more!

This makes it harder. If it was going to complicate things for the husbands, I probably wouldn't completely stop seeing her. (I've been through situations where a fight between two family members made things really difficult for everyone else.) But I would definitely be "cooler" - like mom2rtk said.