Relationships are hard

[wgeo]

I've been married for 18 years, it's not easy every single day or every single minute, but overall I would say that's it is not difficult but it takes time and energy. We've had a couple of bad days/weeks over the years but usually things are good. He wants to do things that are nice for me, I want to do things that are nice for him and it all balances out in the end. And I would say that our bad days tend to be due to external influences like extreme job stress. So I always say that a marriage takes work, but at the same time it shouldn't really be that hard.

 

[lisaviolet]

I just don't have a lot of experience in dating or relationships in general. I stayed single, after my marriage ended & my daughters were growing up, so I am kinda new to it all. I am sure it will get easier.

Christa, are you sure you're just not being too hard on yourself?

 

[disneychrista]

Is this the guy you're just not attracted to? Honestly, if it has been a few months and you still do not feel any attraction, then it's probably not meant to be.

Yes same guy. But an attraction has developed.



And just let me clarify...when I say "hard" it isn't because we fight or don't get along or anything that would make me want to run. It is just that sometimes are schedules don't click. Or other small complications that we are working through.

 

[disneychrista]

Christa, are you sure you're just not being too hard on yourself?

I really don't know a lot about how to be in a relationship. I spent most of my adult life single. So...I am learning as I go.

 

[lisaviolet]

I really don't know a lot about how to be in a relationship. I spent most of my adult life single. So...I am learning as I go.

But that is exactly where I think you're being too hard on yourself Christa.
Some people marry very young, so therefore they don't have much experience going in either. And you were married.

Is it possible to give an example of what frustrates you, without giving out too much?

Or is the issue just simple insecurity of feeling you are at a certain age and feel out of the loop?

Forgive me, I'm simply guessing. And quite possibly very confused.

 

[disneychrista]

But that is exactly where I think you're being too hard on yourself Chri sta.
Some people marry very young, so therefore they don't have much experience going in either. And you were married.
Is it possible to give an example of what frustrates you, without giving out too much?
Or is the issue just simple insecurity of feeling you are at a certain age and feel out of the loop?
Forgive me, I'm simply guessing.

I am totally insecure about it all. The biggest issue is our schedules. I work a "normal" M-F 8-5 schedule plus two evenings and Saturday, plus was going to school one night a week (ya that is done). He takes care of his aging mom which takes a lot of time, effort and energy. So just finding time to see each other is a challenge.
But honestly, I don't understand the "rules" of whatever it is we are doing. It is not a serious relationship but it more than just friends, we enjoy each others company but neither one of us is saying "boyfriend/girlfriend" (and do people use those terms in middle age?). It's just hard mainly because of our situation.

 

[smokeyblue]

I am totally insecure about it all. The biggest issue is our schedules. I work a "normal" M-F 8-5 schedule plus two evenings and Saturday, plus was going to school one night a week (ya that is done). He takes care of his aging mom which takes a lot of time, effort and energy. So just finding time to see each other is a challenge.
But honestly, I don't understand the "rules" of whatever it is we are doing. It is not a serious relationship but it more than just friends, we enjoy each others company but neither one of us is saying "boyfriend/girlfriend" (and do people use those terms in middle age?). It's just hard mainly because of our situation.

I have a pretty similar thing going on right now. I feel our schedules are the biggest obstacle. We both work long, tiring hours and maintain our own homes. Where we used to get together 2 or 3 times a week, now its only 1 or 2 times because of our current work schedules. We have a great time when were together, but I really struggle with not being able to be together more often because it makes me worry if its going to work out. We also are not at the boyfriend/girlfriend stage. I usually just refer to him as the man I'm dating or my friend. I just keep assessing where we are at week to week. At some point I think we'll need to have the "what are we" talk, but for right now I feel that would do more harm than good in building our relationship.

 

[disneychrista]

At some point I think we'll need to have the "what are we" talk, but for right now I feel that would do more harm than good in building our relationship.

I agree...totally not ready for what is this talk either. Honestly, I almost feel if you have to have "the talk" then you already know that it isn't serious.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Disneychrista,
Relationships shouln't be 'hard'.
Schedules can sometimes be difficult.
But, it shouldn't be 'hard' to sit down and discuss this and work this out.
The only 'rules' are the rules and understandings that the two of you agree on!!!!

And, don't come into this from a position of insecurity.
Be more positive and confident and empowered.

The thing is, that, remember, everything in life is relative and comes down to priorities.

What you are going thru is something that most all couples have to work out!!!!

Your schedule seems to be very demanding and overwhelming to say the least.
And, really, that has absolutely nothing to do with your 'relationship'.

You are coming from a situation where you have been single.
You have been comfortable filling your time with your busy work and family schedule.
I would venture to guess that the very exact same same goes for your 'boyfriend'. (yes, that does sound high-school, but for lack of a better word!!!)

If you desire more personal time with him, so that you can develop your relationship.
Then that is something that you (and him as well) are going to have to make more of a priority.
Yes, sometimes something has to give. Decisions have to made. And, there have to be compromises.
It is not always possible to have it all.

If the two of you can accept, and are happy with, the current status-quo, then there is no problem. Nothing is hard.

If one of you expects more, and one does not....
Then, yes, "Houston, we have a problem."

Be honest with yourself.
What do you want??? What are your expectations?
I think a phrase that I have used a few times comes to mind.
Unrealistic expectations will usually result in disappointment.

I think everyone here is in your corner and is hoping that you can work this out!!!

 

[lisaviolet]

I am totally insecure about it all. The biggest issue is our schedules. I work a "normal" M-F 8-5 schedule plus two evenings and Saturday, plus was going to school one night a week (ya that is done). He takes care of his aging mom which takes a lot of time, effort and energy. So just finding time to see each other is a challenge.
But honestly, I don't understand the "rules" of whatever it is we are doing. It is not a serious relationship but it more than just friends, we enjoy each others company but neither one of us is saying "boyfriend/girlfriend" (and do people use those terms in middle age?). It's just hard mainly because of our situation.

Okay.

Mainly people around me use I'm seeing someone and just introduce the person by name. But everyone is different. And I do understand that you are talking about boyfriend/girlfriend in the sense of "Where is this relationship at and going?" sort of thought.

Reading this it just seems to me, in general, to simply enjoy him when you can. And just simply relax into what you have, until you want to discuss it all. But I'm single right now, so what do I know?

______________________

OT, but I understand the limitations of time being a caregiver and what that brings to a relationship.

 

[John VN]

Relationships shouldn't be hard.

BINGO!!!!

DW and I will be celebrating a long term relationship with our 45th anniversary next Saturday. We have had some difficult moments but never lasting days/weeks. Could very well be we are the 1 in a bazillion.

 

[disneychrista]

Disneychrista,
Relationships shouln't be 'hard'.

Like I posted before, the relationship itself isn't hard. It's just after being single for so long, I forget sometimes that there is someone else I might need to think of when I make a decision or choice. And honestly, at this stage of the game, I am not sure what things I just say "hey by the way..." or when I ask "hey I was thinking of XYZ, what do you think?" Sunday was one of those days I make a choice that maybe I should have at least given up a heads up about and he was upset that I didn't. Hence not knowing the "rules" and it being "hard."

Reading this it just seems to me, in general, to simply enjoy him when you can. And just simply relax into what you have, until you want to discuss it all.

This is basically what I am trying to do. At this stage I just want to have fun. Enjoy what we have and see what happens (or doesn't).

 

[lisaviolet]

This is basically what I am trying to do. At this stage I just want to have fun. Enjoy what we have and see what happens (or doesn't).

 

[disneychrista]

 

[HeatherC]

This thread is from 2018. Just an FYI.

 

[disneychrista]

This thread is from 2018. Just an FYI.

And what a blast from the past.

 

[smokeyblue]

And what a blast from the past.

You and me both! I ended up having to break things off with the guy I mentioned 2 weeks after this post because he went on a bender and disappeared for 3 days. I've been on multiple Tinder benders since. LOL

 

[disneychrista]

You and me both! I ended up having to break things off with the guy I mentioned 2 weeks after this post because he went on a bender and disappeared for 3 days. I've been on multiple Tinder benders since. LOL

Things ended with the guy I was talking about too. He simply didn't want to be in a relationship and I was tired of being strung along. But no other dates for me, I wasn't ready and then when I thought I might be COVID happened. But that is okay it is giving me more time for me.

 

[smokeyblue]

Things ended with the guy I was talking about too. He simply didn't want to be in a relationship and I was tired of being strung along. But no other dates for me, I wasn't ready and then when I thought I might be COVID happened. But that is okay it is giving me more time for me.

Yup. I felt ready to try for real again and Covid struck. I've become pretty self-centered during this time, which is good and bad. I've made some big financial moves and plans which are good for my security, but on the flip side I wouldn't welcome or share this with just anyone, so Ive become even more picky.