I really need support- please pray for my daughter

[flyingdumbo127]

Hugs and prayers from me, too.

 

[hereyago]

Prayers and good thoughts going out....

 

[moeg]

Oh my, you all have no idea how much your prayers, kindness, and thoughtfulness mean to me. I keep reading and re-reading these messages. Thank you to those of you who have shared your own stories too. It brings me enormous relief to hear of others who have gotten better. I don't personally know anyone who has struggled with an eating disorder (that I'm aware of anyway).

I also appreciate the gentle nudges to share this with friends and family. I'm considering it. I'm not ready quite yet, for a lot of reasons. I did tell my sister, so I guess I wasn't being 100% truthful when I said we haven't told anyone. My sister has been an amazing support, and she agrees with all of you. She thinks I should tell our parents. My biggest hesitation is that I know without a shadow of a doubt that my mom will make it my fault. I know she will. I'm too fragile right now to handle that.

 

[moeg]

Also, since I've never shared her name under my "other" username, I figured I'd share it here. Her name is Julia. I like to know a person's name when I pray for them, so I thought you might want to know her name. She's beautiful, inside and out.

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

I well be praying

 

[sonnyjane]

Oh my, you all have no idea how much your prayers, kindness, and thoughtfulness mean to me. I keep reading and re-reading these messages. Thank you to those of you who have shared your own stories too. It brings me enormous relief to hear of others who have gotten better. I don't personally know anyone who has struggled with an eating disorder (that I'm aware of anyway).

I also appreciate the gentle nudges to share this with friends and family. I'm considering it. I'm not ready quite yet, for a lot of reasons. I did tell my sister, so I guess I wasn't being 100% truthful when I said we haven't told anyone. My sister has been an amazing support, and she agrees with all of you. She thinks I should tell our parents. My biggest hesitation is that I know without a shadow of a doubt that my mom will make it my fault. I know she will. I'm too fragile right now to handle that.

Regarding telling family...I feel like you should give her an opportunity to do it first - after all it's her secret to tell. You can be right there in the room to make sure she comes clean, but I feel like if you tell everybody/anybody out from under her it may take away her trust in you, and you really need her to trust you right now. She should be an active part in taking charge. Try to avoid "something's WRONG with Julia" and make it more "Julia's going through a tough time and we're working on it."

I do wonder if you know if this is related to body image, or a need for control? For some people with eating disorders, it really is very much about physical appearance/caloric intake. For others, it's more about being able to control SOMETHING in their lives when other things are spiraling out of control (like for self-mutilators). I was really much more about the actual number on the scale, but when I would have a particularly dark time, like trouble with my family for example, I did recognize an urge to binge and purge.

The reason I ask is that these two books were REALLLLLLLLY (as in I cannot praise them highly enough) instrumental in me changing some opinions about myself and about physical appearance:

Do I Look Fat in This? by Jessica Weiner https://www.amazon.com/Do-Look-Fat-This-Doesnt/dp/1416913572
Body Drama by Nancy Amanda Redd https://www.amazon.com/Body-Drama-Bodies-Issues-Answers/dp/B003WUYRNG

 

[22Tink]

I'm so sorry. You're in my prayers.

 

[DaisyJ]

Also, since I've never shared her name under my "other" username, I figured I'd share it here. Her name is Julia. I like to know a person's name when I pray for them, so I thought you might want to know her name. She's beautiful, inside and out.

I also have a 16 year old Julia. Best wishes for both of you as you walk this new path.

 

[AquamarineSteph]

-massive hugs-

First of all, I'm sending prayers your way. I have seen literally how much that can do for a person. If you don't care to receive them, then please think of them as good wishes, because they are for you and your daughter and your entire family.

Second of all, I know you must feel scared and alone right now. Maybe you even feel like this is somehow your fault. Mom's always want to take care of everyone, and if there's a problem that can't be easily fixed it's not uncommon to fall into the trap of feeling responsible for the actions of someone else. This isn't your fault, and it's not your daughter's fault, either. Nobody is at fault here.

This is an illness. It takes time and patience and love to recover, but I've known people who have done just that and gone onto very normal lives. Your daughter may always have issues with food and eating, and the road to recovery is not always a smooth process. Sometimes it's one step forward, two steps back, but that doesn't mean it's not doable. It just means it takes time. And it sounds like your daughter has a wonderful mom who's doing utmost to help. How scared she must have been to tell you, but she did. That speaks volumes about the love between both of you.

I can't speak for anyone else, but when I have been struggling with something, I have found it to the most helpful when the people I needed still showed their support and their encouragement on days when it was two steps back instead of one step forward. And if you need encouragement during all of this, I'm more than happy to volunteer to be a cheerleader here or via PM.

 

[mnrose]

Having been through this, I will just say this on telling others. First, be prepared for LOTS of misinformation and "less than helpful" advice about what to do. You know, the people who say "she's just trying to control you" etc. No, this is NOT true. It's a biological, brain-based illness. People don't "choose" to be anorexic or bulimic. And, my other favorite "advice": "just" make her eat, or "just" stop her from purging. While of course this is part of the answer, but really if it was that simple, why is there an entire portion of the medical industry devoted to solving this puzzle?

A PP response above perfectly illustrates the biological nature of this....with the siblings who BOTH had an ED....and this is also quite common. At the very least, you are sure to find, OP, that somewhere in your family history or your daughter's fathers family history, there is bound to be someone with a variant of an ED. Willing to place money on that. Unfortunately, this is a secretive illness and you often don't know who that was or is.

So, be cautious in telling others IRL. I told friends who I trusted, and I knew would be supportive. Family members were held to the same standard: would they be supportive? For that reason, I never told my father while he was alive because he would have had very old school feelings about it. MIL was bad enough. She eventually came around, but she made lots of decidedly unhelpful comments to both me and DD.

I wish this were not true. But, sadly, it is.

 

[sksjasams]

I'm so sorry your sweet baby girl is going through this. Sending lots of hugs and prayers your way.

 

[MrsDuck]

Sending you all lots of love!

 

[diznygirl]

More hugs. This can't be easy to go through. I had a friend who was bulimic, but I met her after she got better. The one thing I learned though is that she will always have hang ups with her personal appearance and food. She's not purging anymore, but she counts every calorie and is is sensitive about clothing size. She doesn't see what she's doing most of the time. Others looking in would consider some of what she does weird. I think eventually you will have to tell close family and friends so they don't say the wrong thing when they notice something that your daughter is doing. Hang in there! It will get better.

 

[moeg]

I'm in the waiting room of the eating disorder specialist right now. Heartbreaking. There's another family next to me who just found out that their daughter has to be taken to a hospital immediately. They're in tears and I can't help but cry with them. My God this is an awful illness.

Thanks again for all of the recommendations and support. I made an appointment to speak with a counselor at my church. She's someone I really trust and respect.

Regarding telling family, my husband and I are so hesitant, for a lot of the reasons mnrose mentioned. I'm afraid our family (mainly our moms) will say something unhelpful, or treat her differently. I also don't want to end up in the position of comforting THEM, which I'm pretty sure would happen with my mom. They love her and would have nothing but the best intentions, but it would be another piece I'd have to manage, you know?

I'll update later when her appointment is over.

 

[mom2rtk]

More hugs and prayers coming your way.

 

[pryncess527]

I'm not a prayer, but Julia and your entire family will be in my thoughts.

 

[MamaBelle4]

Your support and encouragement is the best you can give her. You've already created an environment that made her feel comfortable enough to come to you and be honest with you about her struggles. That is HUGE.
You all are in my thoughts and prayers. She will overcome this because you've clearly given her great tools.

 

[kimmar067]

<<HUG>> your way...

 

[pooh'smate]

and prayers for you and your family.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

Sending prayers and best wishes!