How fast it all changed.

[weewuvvdisney]

Have been following your journey with sadness for you. You and your Family have been through such a difficult experience. You mentioned that your son and daughter are not into the idea of group therapy. They could go separately or together to a psychologist. My dd had some issues and it was the best thing that we could have done for her. There were things she didn't to talk to us about but was able to talk to her therapist. Our kids want to protect us even while they themselves are hurting.

As the saying goes.......one day at a time!

 

[rodeo65]

Yesterday, I attended a Celebration of Life for my father's best friend who had passed 12 days before DH. I feel so bad for my dad - they had been friends for 70 years. Such a large percentage of the pictures that were on display had my parents in them as well. Many people commented on how hard this would be for dad - losing both his best friend and then SIL within days of each other. I hadn't really thought about it - once briefly but really was so caught up in my own loss that I wasn't really thinking about what dad was feeling as well.

Something I saw that I really liked and am going to copy is a photo book. I did one a few years back for our last Disney trip and love it but didn't think of putting one out on display rather than the boards I've seen so frequently. They had two photo books and then a slide display with all of the same pictures. I like that idea better because then we'll have the photo book for after and won't have to take apart the board and put all the pictures away. I think I'm also going to do one large framed grouping of our favourite photos, but that will be a permanent one also.

 

[lisaviolet]

Something I saw that I really liked and am going to copy is a photo book. I did one a few years back for our last Disney trip and love it but didn't think of putting one out on display rather than the boards I've seen so frequently. They had two photo books and then a slide display with all of the same pictures. I like that idea better because then we'll have the photo book for after and won't have to take apart the board and put all the pictures away. I think I'm also going to do one large framed grouping of our favourite photos, but that will be a permanent one also.

Rodeo,

My mother just recently passed away and I did something simple that ended up to be monumental to so many people suffering from her loss. I could not have even imagined how much it would mean to others and what it would produce, it was simply about me and trying to honour my mother. I didn't even think of everyone else. I selfishly just wanted my mother everywhere.

My mother loved pictures to the point that we often said "Mom please no more. Please please please with the camera!". Rolling of the eyes, the rude no more stance. Thank God she never listened to us.

Anyway, I saw her Celebration of Life in my eyes surrounded by single pictures in frames and poster size photos of her. Her everywhere. Her family, our family, my parents, her many friends. Prior houses, tons of memories.

Staples did tons and tons of 8X10s and 4x6s. They also did about ten poster size photos, some with hard backing (didn't do all with backing due to cost).

Then I went to Dollarama and bought tons of cheap frames (they do not look remotely cheap when done). It took ages to fill them all but it felt like nothing. And probably helped me stay focused on something else while in pain.

And we put them everywhere like it was a living room. I did so many I thought, "well you've lost it now, it's too much". It wasn't. Can't even explain the impact.

My uncle, her brother, carried around a huge black and white poster board of their family - my grandparents, my mom and siblings as children/teenagers - at a beach outing like it was his savior. It barely had five minutes on display. Like he was a little boy with a beloved Christmas toy. He had a tough time with Mom as she was his big sister, his everything. He showed his kids, he explained the day of the picture, he saw his grandson in himself as a young teenager and he even took it around to strangers. No one was safe from his back in the day story! I had already told him it was his to keep. He was overwhelmed to have it to take home, so simple yet an overwhelmingly emotional response from a man who tends to hide his feelings.

I then realized what the heck are we going to do with all of these pictures? I live in 400 square feet. And we quietly told people just to take what they want.

And they did, gladly.

My aunt must have walked out with five pictures in frames. One containing her son, my cousin who has passed.

Another taking Mom and her in front of a childhood home.

It was something to see so many gladly taking memories of her out the door with them.

We even got a request via email from someone who wanted a picture, if it was still there, after the fact. And he wasn't even in the picture or was it during a time when he knew my mom. For whatever reason it meant something to him.

Family could remember, friends could reminisce. And I heard stories that I had never been told. All from the pictures that they would pick up to show you and share.

We had the traditional slide slow as well. But I guess for certain generations the pictures in frames, just opened hearts.

I felt surrounded by my mother and her life on that day. And by my parents' love story.

___________________________________________

I've smiled when you talk about all your intimate plans for your husband's Celebration of Life Rodeo. The dancing, the plans. How you are doing it your way.
Your way, not the should do it this way stance.
Why smile? Because in the worst times that day in my head, and the choices, has been one thing that has brought some peace and respite during some tough times. And it's been a Godsend to have that memory to hold onto when you're feeling such pain.

Think of you every single day. Love sent to your entire family. And with special thoughts to your father, losing beloved loved ones in a short time. That's hard. to you all.

 

[rodeo65]

My mother just recently passed away and I did something simple that ended up to be monumental to so many people suffering from her loss. I could not have even imagined how much it would mean to others and what it would produce, it was simply about me and trying to honour my mother. I didn't even think of everyone else. I selfishly just wanted my mother everywhere.

I'm so sorry for your loss of your mother. Your photo tribute sounds beautiful! I understand what you mean about what you did was for you. That's how I'm approaching this also. What I want, what he'd have (not) wanted and who he was, and what the kids want. As painful as it is, I want everyone to feel the joy he brought to our family and have the kids learn to cope with his death through celebrating who he was. You've given me another great idea. Thank you.

 

[dish rag]

Rodeo,

My mother just recently passed away and I did something simple that ended up to be monumental to so many people suffering from her loss. I could not have even imagined how much it would mean to others and what it would produce, it was simply about me and trying to honour my mother. I didn't even think of everyone else. I selfishly just wanted my mother everywhere.

My mother loved pictures to the point that we often said "Mom please no more. Please please please with the camera!". Rolling of the eyes, the rude no more stance. Thank God she never listened to us.

Anyway, I saw her Celebration of Life in my eyes surrounded by single pictures in frames and poster size photos of her. Her everywhere. Her family, our family, my parents, her many friends. Prior houses, tons of memories.

Staples did tons and tons of 8X10s and 4x6s. They also did about ten poster size photos, some with hard backing (didn't do all with backing due to cost).

Then I went to Dollarama and bought tons of cheap frames (they do not look remotely cheap when done). It took ages to fill them all but it felt like nothing. And probably helped me stay focused on something else while in pain.

And we put them everywhere like it was a living room. I did so many I thought, "well you've lost it now, it's too much". It wasn't. Can't even explain the impact.

My uncle, her brother, carried around a huge black and white poster board of their family - my grandparents, my mom and siblings as children/teenagers - at a beach outing like it was his savior. It barely had five minutes on display. Like he was a little boy with a beloved Christmas toy. He had a tough time with Mom as she was his big sister, his everything. He showed his kids, he explained the day of the picture, he saw his grandson in himself as a young teenager and he even took it around to strangers. No one was safe from his back in the day story! I had already told him it was his to keep. He was overwhelmed to have it to take home, so simple yet an overwhelmingly emotional response from a man who tends to hide his feelings.

I then realized what the heck are we going to do with all of these pictures? I live in 400 square feet. And we quietly told people just to take what they want.

And they did, gladly.

My aunt must have walked out with five pictures in frames. One containing her son, my cousin who has passed.

Another taking Mom and her in front of a childhood home.

It was something to see so many gladly taking memories of her out the door with them.

We even got a request via email from someone who wanted a picture, if it was still there, after the fact. And he wasn't even in the picture or was it during a time when he knew my mom. For whatever reason it meant something to him.

Family could remember, friends could reminisce. And I heard stories that I had never been told. All from the pictures that they would pick up to show you and share.

We had the traditional slide slow as well. But I guess for certain generations the pictures in frames, just opened hearts.

I felt surrounded by my mother and her life on that day. And by my parents' love story.

___________________________________________

I've smiled when you talk about all your intimate plans for your husband's Celebration of Life Rodeo. The dancing, the plans. How you are doing it your way.
Your way, not the should do it this way stance.
Why smile? Because in the worst times that day in my head, and the choices, has been one thing that has brought some peace and respite during some tough times. And it's been a Godsend to have that memory to hold onto when you're feeling such pain.

Think of you every single day. Love sent to your entire family. And with special thoughts to your father, losing beloved loved ones in a short time. That's hard. to you all.

It was well done and excellent, Lisa. You mother would have been proud of you.

 

[lisaviolet]

That's how I'm approaching this also. What I want, what he'd have (not) wanted and who he was, and what the kids want. As painful as it is, I want everyone to feel the joy he brought to our family and have the kids learn to cope with his death through celebrating who he was.

It's obvious to us all Rodeo that you have and continue to honour him so beautifully.

I hesitated to say so much, or at all, but wanted to acknowledge how moments of comfort can come from all the plans that you have been sharing with us - the way you are choosing for him, you and your children with such focus.

Any moment of comfort is something to grab onto when the three of you are facing such a painful loss.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

Rodeo,

My mother just recently passed away and I did something simple that ended up to be monumental to so many people suffering from her loss. I could not have even imagined how much it would mean to others and what it would produce, it was simply about me and trying to honour my mother. I didn't even think of everyone else. I selfishly just wanted my mother everywhere.

My mother loved pictures to the point that we often said "Mom please no more. Please please please with the camera!". Rolling of the eyes, the rude no more stance. Thank God she never listened to us.

Anyway, I saw her Celebration of Life in my eyes surrounded by single pictures in frames and poster size photos of her. Her everywhere. Her family, our family, my parents, her many friends. Prior houses, tons of memories.

Staples did tons and tons of 8X10s and 4x6s. They also did about ten poster size photos, some with hard backing (didn't do all with backing due to cost).

Then I went to Dollarama and bought tons of cheap frames (they do not look remotely cheap when done). It took ages to fill them all but it felt like nothing. And probably helped me stay focused on something else while in pain.

And we put them everywhere like it was a living room. I did so many I thought, "well you've lost it now, it's too much". It wasn't. Can't even explain the impact.

My uncle, her brother, carried around a huge black and white poster board of their family - my grandparents, my mom and siblings as children/teenagers - at a beach outing like it was his savior. It barely had five minutes on display. Like he was a little boy with a beloved Christmas toy. He had a tough time with Mom as she was his big sister, his everything. He showed his kids, he explained the day of the picture, he saw his grandson in himself as a young teenager and he even took it around to strangers. No one was safe from his back in the day story! I had already told him it was his to keep. He was overwhelmed to have it to take home, so simple yet an overwhelmingly emotional response from a man who tends to hide his feelings.

I then realized what the heck are we going to do with all of these pictures? I live in 400 square feet. And we quietly told people just to take what they want.

And they did, gladly.

My aunt must have walked out with five pictures in frames. One containing her son, my cousin who has passed.

Another taking Mom and her in front of a childhood home.

It was something to see so many gladly taking memories of her out the door with them.

We even got a request via email from someone who wanted a picture, if it was still there, after the fact. And he wasn't even in the picture or was it during a time when he knew my mom. For whatever reason it meant something to him.

Family could remember, friends could reminisce. And I heard stories that I had never been told. All from the pictures that they would pick up to show you and share.

We had the traditional slide slow as well. But I guess for certain generations the pictures in frames, just opened hearts.

I felt surrounded by my mother and her life on that day. And by my parents' love story.

___________________________________________

I've smiled when you talk about all your intimate plans for your husband's Celebration of Life Rodeo. The dancing, the plans. How you are doing it your way.
Your way, not the should do it this way stance.
Why smile? Because in the worst times that day in my head, and the choices, has been one thing that has brought some peace and respite during some tough times. And it's been a Godsend to have that memory to hold onto when you're feeling such pain.

Think of you every single day. Love sent to your entire family. And with special thoughts to your father, losing beloved loved ones in a short time. That's hard. to you all.

LisaViolet, That's really awesome that you did that for your mom. My deepest sympathies to you. You've had to deal with too many close family members passing away in recent times. I can't imagine what you've gone through but you really have some great advice to offer. Thank you.

 

[dish rag]

LisaViolet, That's really awesome that you did that for your mom. My deepest sympathies to you. You've had to deal with too many close family members passing away in recent times. I can't imagine what you've gone through but you really have some great advice to offer. Thank you.

She's tough. I couldn't have done well going through that.

 

[tazdev3225]

Rodeo I have followed your story quietly in the background. I prayed for your family but couldn't seem to respond until now. I think partly from guilt. My dad had cancer 3 years ago and despite the long odds survived. My husband had 2 strokes and despite some issues we have to deal with forever, I still have him. I think I felt guilty that my outcome was so different.

Today would have been the anniversary of our dear friends marriage. They found love later in life and were so much in love with each other. She died unexpectedly in January. They were out for dinner celebrating her being able to get out of the house and walk around, and she began to feel ill. She had recent surgery and despite precautions she developed an embolism. For her funeral his family assembled the photo boards and it was such a wonderful way to remember her life. The pictures were a comfort for him and a way to get him to smile as he remembered the times they were taken.

I will continue to pray for your family.

 

[lisaviolet]

I couldn't have done well going through that.

The fact is that you don't really know that dish rag. A lot of people learn - with Rodeo showing us all day after day - that you have no clue what is inside you until you're faced with it all (unfortunately). And honestly I was very fortunate with health in my family for many years - until suddenly all at once, we were not.
But thank you (and to you Anna and Rodeo).

 

[Snowflakey]

Just checking in to see how you are doing Rodeo. Thinking of you!

 

[Earstou]

Rodeo, I picked up a magazine at our cancer center when we were there for treatment and saw an article about Dammkind. A woman found that her late husband's birthday was a hard day for her and her kids. So she decided to dedicate that day to performing random acts of kindness to honor her late husband. She asked friends to do the same. It's grown into a big event, with people she doesn't even know participating. She said that now, her husband's birthday is her favorite day of the year!
I loved the idea and also thought of you when I read about it. Please look up Dammkind to read her story. My dh is doing well right now, but he is terminal, so I know I will have to face this type of thing in the future. He has done random acts at times, so this would be a perfect way to honor him! I hope the story inspires you in some way!

 

[rodeo65]

Home Again.

For now anyway. I picked up DH's remains this afternoon along with the pendants for DD and I and dog tags for DS, all with his cremated remains in them. I also had a special one made for DD that I will put away until her wedding day because that was the one thing she said that really hammered my heart the day after he passed. That she'd have no one to walk her down the aisle. One day next week, we'll have him interred. That will just be the kids, my parents and myself. Although, I really like his urn and the inscription I had put on and briefly considered keeping him home. In the end, though, I think the act of interring him will help us all with closure.

Earstou, I love that story and the Dammkind movement. I may find something of a similar nature for us to do next February on DH's birthday. For Mother's Day, DS is competing so that will be out of the norm for us and a good thing, I think. Father's Day will be hard but I don't want to deny my dad his Father's Day so we'll do something. Maybe some kind of volunteer thing also. For Christmas, I am thinking of taking the kids away. Christmas was his favourite of all! He'd put up the lights November 1 and insist on having them on until the last week of January.

DD has agreed to speak to a grief counsellor. She seems to be having the hardest time of the three of us and when I brought it up again today and said she doesn't have to go with the first person she sees if she's not completely comfortable she seemed to open up to the idea. Then she mentioned her friend goes to a counsellor she likes and thought maybe that person would be good. I asked her to find out the name so I can look into them and see what they specialise in. I explained that we do want someone who has experience with grief and she agreed but at least we have a starting point. DS is still not interested, but is also talking to me more that she does and last night told me that he wanted me to know he's there for me, too.

I've spend most of the week in preparations for his Celebration. Doing the photos for the slideshow was really, really hard! I also did a photobook for that day and individual ones each for the kids that are specifically of DH with each of them from the day they were born until the last picture I had of each of them with their dad. I'm going to give them to them after the celebration.

And my house is still a disaster! And I have to learn to use our current lawnmower. The grass is getting long and I need to deal with it this weekend! I kind of remember him saying it takes a gas / oil mix but can't remember if that's the mower, weed wacker or snowblower. I'll have to look up the instructions for our model online and figure it out. I had so much advice when he was sick both here and IRL about making sure I had passwords, banking info etc. That wasn't an issue because I was the one to handle all of that. But the chores he took on...pool, lawn care, general outdoor maintenance. We basically divided things into indoor (mine) and outdoor (his) Mouse traps I am not looking forward to the fall!!!!!!!!!

 

[macraven]

rodeo, thanks for sharing again.
all of us appreciate hearing how you are doing and how you are sharing your future plans.

I keep you and your family in my prayers.

 

[gillep]

Home Again.

For now anyway. I picked up DH's remains this afternoon along with the pendants for DD and I and dog tags for DS, all with his cremated remains in them. I also had a special one made for DD that I will put away until her wedding day because that was the one thing she said that really hammered my heart the day after he passed. That she'd have no one to walk her down the aisle. One day next week, we'll have him interred. That will just be the kids, my parents and myself. Although, I really like his urn and the inscription I had put on and briefly considered keeping him home. In the end, though, I think the act of interring him will help us all with closure.

Earstou, I love that story and the Dammkind movement. I may find something of a similar nature for us to do next February on DH's birthday. For Mother's Day, DS is competing so that will be out of the norm for us and a good thing, I think. Father's Day will be hard but I don't want to deny my dad his Father's Day so we'll do something. Maybe some kind of volunteer thing also. For Christmas, I am thinking of taking the kids away. Christmas was his favourite of all! He'd put up the lights November 1 and insist on having them on until last January.

DD has agreed to speak to a grief counsellor. She seems to be having the hardest time of the three of us and when I brought it up again today and said she doesn't have to go with the first person she sees if she's not completely comfortable she seemed to open up to the idea. Then she mentioned her friend goes to a counsellor she likes and thought maybe that person would be good. I asked her to find out the name so I can look into them and see what they specialise in. I explained that we do want someone who has experience with grief and she agreed but at least we have a starting point. DS is still not interested, but is also talking to me more that she does and last night told me that he wanted me to know he's there for me, too.

I've spend most of the week in preparations for his Celebration. Doing the photos for the slideshow was really, really hard! I also did a photobook for that day and individual ones each for the kids that are specifically of DH with each of them from the day they were born until the last picture I had of each of them with their dad. I'm going to give them to them after the celebration.

And my house is still a disaster! And I have to learn to use our current lawnmower. The grass is getting long and I need to deal with it this weekend! I kind of remember him saying it takes a gas / oil mix but can't remember if that's the mower, weed wacker or snowblower. I'll have to look up the instructions for our model online and figure it out. I had so much advice when he was sick both here and IRL about making sure I had passwords, banking info etc. That wasn't an issue because I was the one to handle all of that. But the chores he took on...pool, lawn care, general outdoor maintenance. We basically divided things into indoor (mine) and outdoor (his) Mouse traps I am not looking forward to the fall!!!!!!!!!

This really hit home for me again. My father passed when I was in college, so older than your daughter, but we also lost him very quickly (less than two months from when he was admitted to the hospital to when he passed). Unfortunately, by the time I got there from my college he was in a medically induced coma due to pain and I was unable to speak with him before he passed as I was unwilling to allow them to bring him around just so that I could speak with him. Anyway, I was engaged at the time and I really didn't even want to have a wedding. I couldn't even imagine getting married without him, but my fiance really wanted a full wedding. We were engaged for almost two years before we finally married. My father had a tie pin in the shape of a tree with each of our birthstones in it (whole family including my parents' birthstones) I put that on the handle of my bouquet and my brother walked me down the aisle. It obviously wasn't the same as having my dad there, but it still felt right given the circumstances, and I felt like he was with us all.

I am a huge advocate for therapy, it has been very helpful in my life and it absolutely can take more than one therapist to find someone you fit with. I move a lot and always use Psych Central to look for potential therapists in a new area: https://psychcentral.com/find-help/.

I would love to help with your lawnmower issue too but I got nothing there.

Thinking of you all.

 

[leebee]

Look it up, but DH says a weed whacker or chain saw would take a gas/oil mix. You are still in my thoughts daily. Hang in there, and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

 

[Earstou]

Oh yes, I dread the lawn care! For now, we have friends doing all our mowing! We had so many people asking if they could help in some way and I finally hit upon the lawn care, as I can't do it due to severe asthma. It's amazing how much our friends have helped! It was hard for us to accept help at first. But one of our friends told us we were helping him, by allowing him to help us, so that changed my mindset!
We had a push mower that used the gas/oil mixture. Now I need to ask dh if that was the old one or the current one!?!

 

[ENJDisneyFan]

Rodeo, I picked up a magazine at our cancer center when we were there for treatment and saw an article about Dammkind. A woman found that her late husband's birthday was a hard day for her and her kids. So she decided to dedicate that day to performing random acts of kindness to honor her late husband. She asked friends to do the same. It's grown into a big event, with people she doesn't even know participating. She said that now, her husband's birthday is her favorite day of the year!
I loved the idea and also thought of you when I read about it. Please look up Dammkind to read her story. My dh is doing well right now, but he is terminal, so I know I will have to face this type of thing in the future. He has done random acts at times, so this would be a perfect way to honor him! I hope the story inspires you in some way!

This sounds like an amazing idea! Always in my thoughts and prayers Rodeo. I'd also be clueless when it comes to outdoor chores. If you have to, hire a neighbor kid or lawn service to help. That's the last thing you need to be stressing about right now.

 

[lisaviolet]

It's amazing how much our friends have helped! It was hard for us to accept help at first.

So nice Earstou.

____________________

Rodeo, so smart knowing that the first counsellor chosen for your daughter might not be the one. Often people don't realize that different styles/different people/different skills can affect the outcome greatly, it's a team - and trust - that works in the end. Crossing my fingers you find a good match.

Your update brought tears and sighs. Love sent.

_________________________________

And @gillep, pressing like felt off with the loss of your father and how hard it was for you to imagine him not walking you down the aisle.

 

[piglet1979]

I also had a special one made for DD that I will put away until her wedding day because that was the one thing she said that really hammered my heart the day after he passed. That she'd have no one to walk her down the aisle.

Let her know she has options for someone to walk her down the isle. She can have her brother or even you. I had my mom walk me down the isle. Mine was a different situation as I had my dad and a step dad since I was 4. I was not choosing between my biological not always there dad and my step dad that we didn't always get along but was more of a dad. I chose my mom because I wasn't choosing between the 2 and she was there from day 1 and went through all the tough times. She was 17 and 19 when she had my sister and I. She was on her own from the time I was born until she married my step dad when I was 4.