Do you dream about things you did (bully) or said as kid that you now regret

[mi*vida*loca]

Nah I wasn't a mean kid. I actually just had a mini reunion with kids from middle school and a lot of people told me how nice and friendly I was.

I didn't bully but I didn't tolerate anyone bullying me either. I had my fair share of fist fights due to protecting myself but no regrets. If I punched you in the face you deserved it.

 

[Kellykins1218]

Nope. It was never in me to hurt someone else. I just wish some of my friends had felt the same way.

 

[Klayfish]

If I punched you in the face you deserved it.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I grew up in a REALLY rough neighborhood. If you didn't stand up for yourself when someone picked on you then you were basically a dead man walking. You would NEVER live it down. I haven't punched anyone in the face since I was about 15. lol

 

[Magpie]

I was brutally bullied in elementary school. Fortunately, despite some lingering effects (for ex, I unexpectedly started hyperventilating when I had to register my children for kindergarten), I don't have any dreams about it.

I didn't bully others, but I do regret once telling a boy that I wasn't going to talk to him any more. Some of the popular girls at camp said that if I didn't stop being friends with him, they wouldn't like me any more. And I was all, "You like me?" And they said, "Sure we do!" So I told that boy I didn't want to hang with him. Then I discovered they were lying and they didn't like me. And so I had no friends at all at camp.

It was a hard lesson, but an important one.

And actually, it was shortly after that I just stopped trying to please people and make them like me. Which happily really cut down on the amount of bullying (punching, spitting, name calling, tripping, vandalism of my property, ugly messages on my answering machine, sneering at the mere sight of me, etc). Changing schools a few times helped, too.

Happily for my kids, their schools really had a good grip on bullying. While there's always some interpersonal conflict between kids, my kids did not experience the kind of sustained, abusive mistreatment I endured. I give full credit for that to the current leadership in these schools.

 

[ronandannette]

...Happily for my kids, their schools really had a good grip on bullying. While there's always some interpersonal conflict between kids, my kids did not experience the kind of sustained, abusive mistreatment I endured. I give full credit for that to the current leadership in these schools.

I so sorry about the treatment you received; no person should ever be put through that. But the fact is, most people are not and I'm not sure why you'd assume it would be inevitable for your own kids, if not for whatever intervention there was at school.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

Yea, um, no.

In fact, I was the one bullied. So, I kind of hope that some of those kids think about what they did way back when.

What is really kind of funny is that I know some of them now. And they post things on social media about how horrible "mean girls" are. I want to tell them, "YOU were the MEAN girls in school."

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I wasn't a bully in school, but I was selective about who I talked to. DH & I went to my first reunion & a guy I was friends with invited those of us who were in the same clique to his home for an after party. I politely declined. I like to think I've matured since then & try to treat everyone the same. Many of my high school friends didn't seem to have changed at all. That was the last reunion I attended. I really regret my actions at that age.

Speaking of dreams, I've been having strange dreams lately that make no sense at all considering the circumstances. I'd love to have them interpreted, but I'm not convinced people can accurately interpret dreams. That seems to be similar physics to me, which I don't believe in.

 

[DeluxePrincess]

I still think about something mean I did to someone in High School. I was young and stupid. Luckily, with Facebook, I was able to reconnect with this person and apologize.

 

[Magpie]

I so sorry about the treatment you received; no person should ever be put through that. But the fact is, most people are not and I'm not sure why you'd assume it would be inevitable for your own kids, if not for whatever intervention there was at school.

Because...

1. I'm far from the only person who's ever been bullied, and it is still happening. A friend of my daughter's described being knocked down and kicked on the ground by her bullies, in the school she transferred from. She said to my daughter, that first year of high school, "This place is great! Hardly anyone ever gets bullied here!"

2. I saw how hard the principal and teachers worked to teach the children both not to bully each other and how to intervene when they witnessed others being bullied. Any time you throw a bunch of young kids together, day after day, bullying IS inevitable. But it's also possible to create a culture in our schools that strongly discourages bullying.

3. My kids, particularly my eldest, are... um... different. My girl was born with a haemangioma on her face that deformed her upper lip and required several surgeries over the years. She was reading easily before she turned three. She brought a novel to her junior kindergarten intake interview. Oh, and she was a chatterbox who was prone to falling out of her seat. So she was both funny looking, klutzy and too clever by half. Bully-bait, in other words.

Here's why I loved our schools...

When my son got into a physical fight with another boy, the teacher pulled them apart, heard both sides, interviewed witnesses, determined the guilty party, and then sent one boy to the office and the other back to class. None of this "zero tolerance" nonsense here.

When my daughter was bickering with another girl, and that girl said, "Well, you're UGLY!" Several older girls within hearing turned right around and said, "Hey! You can't say that to her!" They didn't know either my daughter or the other girl, but, like I said above, the culture of the school does not tolerate meanness.

My daughter was very concerned during one grade seven talent show, because one of the singers was a tone-deaf, overweight, spotty child. She worried that people might mock her. But, I was there, and when that girl tried to sing her song and forgot her lines, all the girls in the front row began singing along with her. They swayed and held up their phones like lighters and gave her a standing ovation in the end. One of the teachers told me, "Our kids know that we applaud the courage it takes to get up on stage, because that's always more important than the performance." They know, because they were taught!

This is night and day different from the schools I attended, where teachers would berate you and make you cry in front of the other kids. Where teachers had "pets". When you couldn't walk down the hall without being harassed by your peers. Where cliques ruled. And no... I wasn't the only one.

I'm glad you didn't experience it, but please believe me... bullying is widespread and still all too common in our schools. Parents need to be vigilant, so children don't suffer needlessly.

 

[ronandannette]

Because...

1. I'm far from the only person who's ever been bullied, and it is still happening. A friend of my daughter's described being knocked down and kicked on the ground by her bullies, in the school she transferred from. She said to my daughter, that first year of high school, "This place is great! Hardly anyone ever gets bullied here!"

2. I saw how hard the principal and teachers worked to teach the children both not to bully each other and how to intervene when they witnessed others being bullied. Any time you throw a bunch of young kids together, day after day, bullying IS inevitable. But it's also possible to create a culture in our schools that strongly discourages bullying.

3. My kids, particularly my eldest, are... um... different. My girl was born with a haemangioma on her face that deformed her upper lip and required several surgeries over the years. She was reading easily before she turned three. She brought a novel to her junior kindergarten intake interview. Oh, and she was a chatterbox who was prone to falling out of her seat. So she was both funny looking, klutzy and too clever by half. Bully-bait, in other words.

Here's why I loved our schools...

When my son got into a physical fight with another boy, the teacher pulled them apart, heard both sides, interviewed witnesses, determined the guilty party, and then sent one boy to the office and the other back to class. None of this "zero tolerance" nonsense here.

When my daughter was bickering with another girl, and that girl said, "Well, you're UGLY!" Several older girls within hearing turned right around and said, "Hey! You can't say that to her!" They didn't know either my daughter or the other girl, but, like I said above, the culture of the school does not tolerate meanness.

My daughter was very concerned during one grade seven talent show, because one of the singers was a tone-deaf, overweight, spotty child. She worried that people might mock her. But, I was there, and when that girl tried to sing her song and forgot her lines, all the girls in the front row began singing along with her. They swayed and held up their phones like lighters and gave her a standing ovation in the end. One of the teachers told me, "Our kids know that we applaud the courage it takes to get up on stage, because that's always more important than the performance." They know, because they were taught!

This is night and day different from the schools I attended, where teachers would berate you and make you cry in front of the other kids. Where teachers had "pets". When you couldn't walk down the hall without being harassed by your peers. Where cliques ruled. And no... I wasn't the only one.

I'm glad you didn't experience it, but please believe me... bullying is widespread and still all too common in our schools. Parents need to be vigilant, so children don't suffer needlessly.

I believe everything you've said - no reason not to. But I don't believe that the experience is a ubiquitous as you assert. There are other categories besides "bully" or "bullied". Many of us (maybe even most) just did our own thing with our own group(s).

And as for this particular paragraph: "This is night and day different from the schools I attended, where teachers would berate you and make you cry in front of the other kids. Where teachers had "pets". When you couldn't walk down the hall without being harassed by your peers." I simply don't accept that this terrible experience is normative - then or now.

 

[Magpie]

I believe everything you've said - no reason not to. But I don't believe that the experience is a ubiquitous as you assert. There are other categories besides "bully" or "bullied". Many of us (maybe even most) just did our own thing with our own group(s).

And as for this particular paragraph: "This is night and day different from the schools I attended, where teachers would berate you and make you cry in front of the other kids. Where teachers had "pets". When you couldn't walk down the hall without being harassed by your peers." I simply don't accept that this terrible experience is normative - then or now.

Well, I've been relying entirely too much on anecdote. So, according to the CDC...

Prevalence:2

• Between 1 in 4 and 1 in 3 U.S. students say they have been bullied at school. Many fewer have been cyberbullied. See more prevalence statistics
• Most bullying happens in middle school. The most common types are verbal and social bullying.
• There is growing awareness of the problem of bullying, which may lead some to believe that bullying is increasing. However, studies suggest that rates of bullying may be declining. It still remains a prevalent and serious problem in today’s schools.

https://www.stopbullying.gov/media/facts/index.html

It may be a matter of semantics, but I do consider 1 in 4 to be pretty darn "ubiquitous".

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

I wasn't a bully in school, but I was selective about who I talked to. DH & I went to my first reunion & a guy I was friends with invited those of us who were in the same clique to his home for an after party. I politely declined. I like to think I've matured since then & try to treat everyone the same. Many of my high school friends didn't seem to have changed at all. That was the last reunion I attended. I really regret my actions at that age.

Speaking of dreams, I've been having strange dreams lately that make no sense at all considering the circumstances. I'd love to have them interpreted, but I'm not convinced people can accurately interpret dreams. That seems to be similar physics to me, which I don't believe in.

Were you joking or did you mean psychics? It is really difficult to understand why you have a problem believing in physics.

 

[ronandannette]

Well, I've been relying entirely too much on anecdote. So, according to the CDC...

Prevalence:2

• Between 1 in 4 and 1 in 3 U.S. students say they have been bullied at school. Many fewer have been cyberbullied. See more prevalence statistics
• Most bullying happens in middle school. The most common types are verbal and social bullying.
• There is growing awareness of the problem of bullying, which may lead some to believe that bullying is increasing. However, studies suggest that rates of bullying may be declining. It still remains a prevalent and serious problem in today’s schools.

https://www.stopbullying.gov/media/facts/index.html

It may be a matter of semantics, but I do consider 1 in 4 to be pretty darn "ubiquitous".

Although it shouldn't happen to anybody, anywhere, between 25 - 33% is a substantial minority. And not everybody in the 67 - 75% are perpetrators either.

...My daughter was very concerned during one grade seven talent show, because one of the singers was a tone-deaf, overweight, spotty child. She worried that people might mock her. But, I was there, and when that girl tried to sing her song and forgot her lines, all the girls in the front row began singing along with her. They swayed and held up their phones like lighters and gave her a standing ovation in the end. One of the teachers told me, "Our kids know that we applaud the courage it takes to get up on stage, because that's always more important than the performance." They know, because they were taught!

Unlike apparently everybody you've ever encountered, some of us weren't simply "incidents waiting to happen" when we came together as youngsters. There's no law of nature that automatically sorts all kids into either "predator or prey" the instant they are in group settings. All persons are individual, with their own personalities and temperaments; ideally nurtured and guided by sensitive parents and other close influences from the very earliest of ages. Neither me nor my child were reliant on being taught in school how to be compassionate, empathetic, kind human beings.

And don't get me wrong - your story about the little singing girl is lovely and heart-warming. But what I find extremely off-putting is your apparent assumption that the girl would have absolutely suffered humiliation and abuse in any other setting besides your particular school.

 

[Magpie]

Although it shouldn't happen to anybody, anywhere, between 25 - 33% is a substantial minority. And not everybody in the 67 - 75% are perpetrators either.

Unlike apparently everybody you've ever encountered, some of us weren't simply "incidents waiting to happen" when we came together as youngsters. There's no law of nature that automatically sorts all kids into either "predator or prey" the instant they are in group settings. All persons are individual, with their own personalities and temperaments; ideally nurtured and guided by sensitive parents and other close influences from the very earliest of ages. Neither me nor my child were reliant on being taught in school how to be compassionate, empathetic, kind human beings.

And don't get me wrong - your story about the little singing girl is lovely and heart-warming. But what I find extremely off-putting is your apparent assumption that the girl would have absolutely suffered humiliation and abuse in any other setting besides your particular school.

Look, I'm not accusing you (or your child!) of having been a potential bully. And I'm not saying your school is a terrible place, or that there aren't other schools that don't also have great anti-bullying programs.

But in a class of thirty kids, when 1 in three is experiencing bullying, that's a LOT of kids!

And someone in that class has to actually BE the bully. And all the rest of the kids are witnessing it.

• Been Bullied
  • 28% of U.S. students in grades 6–12 experienced bullying.2
  • 20% of U.S. students in grades 9–12 experienced bullying.15

• Bullied Others
  • Approximately 30% of young people admit to bullying others in surveys.3

• Seen Bullying
  • 70.6% of young people say they have seen bullying in their schools.3
  • 70.4% of school staff have seen bullying. 62% witnessed bullying two or more times in the last month and 41% witness bullying once a week or more.3
  • When bystanders intervene, bullying stops within 10 seconds 57% of the time.

That last stat is the MOST important part of all of this. How to intervene is precisely the kind of thing that can and should be taught in schools! It's what was taught in my school, and it's what is hopefully being taught in your school. Denying that bullying exists or affects all of us, is not helpful.

I don't know why it's important to you to believe that bullying is some rare, unusual thing that doesn't happen in most schools. I guarantee you it happened in your class and it's happening in your daughter's class. That's why it's SO important for teachers and parents to be aware and proactive in combating it.

 

[ronandannette]

Denying that bullying exists or affects all of us, is not helpful.

I don't know why it's important to you to believe that bullying is some rare, unusual thing that doesn't happen in most schools. I guarantee you it happened in your class and it's happening in your daughter's class. That's why it's SO important for teachers and parents to be aware and proactive in combating it.

Do you seriously think that's what I'm doing? Honestly Magpie, many of your posts are becoming so dogmatic and absolute and speak in such sweeping generalities it's as if you truly believe there are no other perspectives except yours.

 

[Magpie]

Do you seriously think that's what I'm doing? Honestly Magpie, many of your posts are becoming so dogmatic and absolute and speak in such sweeping generalities it's as if you truly believe there are no other perspectives except yours.

Yes, we do seem to get into it a fair bit, you and I. Maybe our communication styles just don't match up well. If when you write...

"I don't believe that the experience is a ubiquitous as you assert"

"I simply don't accept that this terrible experience is normative - then or now."

And, "between 25 - 33% is a substantial minority"

...you're not actually trying to claim that bullying doesn't affect most kids (as victims, perpetrators or witnesses), then I'm very glad to hear it. Because, to me, it sounded very dismissive of the problem. I'm very glad to be wrong!

Also, as long as we're talking about "sweeping generalities" I never actually said my particular school was the only one without a bullying problem. I just said we were lucky to have the schools we have, and that I admire the way they handled the problem.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Were you joking or did you mean psychics? It is really difficult to understand why you have a problem believing in physics.

Sorry, I meant psychics. I didn't notice I did that. I was thinking one word & typed another. Yeah, it would be strange for someone to not believe in physics.

 

[jt'smom]

There is one thing that I should regret that I don't. I lived in a big neighborhood in the early 70's, full of latchkey kids, and we all roamed around like a pack of wild wolves all day. There was one little boy who was mean as the devil, and would hit, trip, basically abuse the crap out of smaller kids in the group. One day, we ganged up on him and held him down and made him eat my dog's poop that my mom would fling over our back fence. His mom was furious, and we all got in a lot of trouble for it, which seemed so unfair given how horrid that little jerk was. To this day, I don't feel bad at all about it, and he was a lot milder after that incident!

 

[Zim]

In ninth grade English class I was the target of this shrimp in the back of the class. He'd throw things at me constantly when the teacher's back was turned. I ignored it and hunkered down trying to be invisible, but one day after being pelted with something, the guy behind me turned and told him to cut it out. For some reason needing someone else to stick up for me infuriated me and I kept thinking if he throws one more thing... And he did and I snapped. The next thing I remember was hearing his jacket rip because I'd gotten out of my seat, walked back to him and grabbed him by his collar and was shaking him while yelling at him to knock it off. I let go and he dropped to the floor in shock. This was a long long time ago before zero tolerance. The guidance counselor said: congratulations, but don't do it again. He never picked on me or anyone else for that matter... in fact he became friends with a few of my friends, although of course avoided me like the plague. I think his older brother bullied him, so this was his way of venting. I don't regret it, although as a result I didn't date until AFTER high school haha, or maybe more likely because I was a geek and a half....

When my daughter got to middle school I suggested if she was every bullied to just roll her eyes and say "bring it on, it can't be any worse than what I hear at home" meaning we are a family that teases and jests with sarcasm as a form of affection. What she discovered was that the bully shuts down instantly because there is empathy there. Most bullies are projecting their own home dysfunctions onto kids at school, IMHO - and they didn't want to bully someone else who might have the same hard home life (heh, inferred but not exactly the truth). She ended up with a few middle school friends who initially approached her as a bully. Kind of tough because some of them really had hard home lives and she ended up as their support system -- that's a whole other post. But she's in college now and no worse for the wear other than maybe not having a lot of tolerance for BS and drama. XD