Any former cops with alcoholism, ptsd and depression?

smmcgarry

Mouseketeer
Joined
Sep 1, 2017
I've been to Disney countless times. I'm a new annual pass holder from Florida (just moved here).

I was a cop for 10 years up north and suffer from depression, anxiety and PTSD. I was almost killed twice. My wife just left me after 11 years and took both of my dogs. Anyone in the same boat? My sadness is growing and growing and causing pain in my chest, back, shoulders, etc.
 
I've been to Disney countless times. I'm a new annual pass holder from Florida (just moved here).

I was a cop for 10 years up north and suffer from depression, anxiety and PTSD. I was almost killed twice. My wife just left me after 11 years and took both of my dogs. Anyone in the same boat? My sadness is growing and growing and causing pain in my chest, back, shoulders, etc.

I've never experienced the same things you have, but I wanted to post and first, welcome you, and second, offer a :hug:. I'm a single mom, and I've suffered from depression for most of my life. My daughter has autism and bipolar disorder. So we've had our struggles. I can't even begin to imagine the things you have been through as a cop. I'd say the most important thing after a move is to establish a network of support. Have you seen a doctor about your depression, anxiety, and PTSD? Are there sports or other activities that you enjoy and could seek out others with the same interests? Certainly, you've come to the right message board to share in love of Disney :earsboy:. What about adopting a new dog? Volunteer at an animal shelter? Try other volunteer activities?

Take care of yourself!
 
@smmcgarry Although I have never walked in your shoes, I do know what it is like to live with depression.

Depression can, and often does, manifest in physical symptoms like you have described. I agree with @Maggie'sMom that perhaps finding a local doctor you can work with about managing your depression and PTSD would be a good solid first step to take.

I don't know where you are in Florida, but is it possible that you could reach out to your local precinct, and ask for some recommendations for someone to talk to? Perhaps you could even connect with a local PD Chaplin or other experienced trauma councilor who could help guide you to finding the care you need; someone who has experience working with other law enforcement folks who experience PTSD. While that first contact might feel awkward, you will be making those important first moves towards feeling better, and starting a new chapter.

My most sincere wish for you is that soon you will be able to look back at today, and see that your life has improved. (((hugs)))
 
Never been a cop. But I clawed my way back from some really bad anxiety and PTSD and if it helps I can promise you that it really does get better. I know it doesn't really help when people tell you that. People told me that for years after my wife and I moved back from NYC after the 9-11 attacks.

I started losing my grip pretty bad. There's a voice inside that tells you over and over that it's never going to get better. Find that voice that says you won't do anything drastic until you try everything else. Then talk to the head doctor's, the therapists too, take the meds every day even if it feels like they make it worse at first *. Try Buddhism as a philosophical framework. Zen Buddhism gives you reasons for allowing these awful things to exist apart from you, to let yourself leave them behind.

Just know that even when it feels like it's getting worse, every day of that is a step closer to feeling better. You're not alone in this.

* - just a note about meds. I'm no doctor. And everyone's different but if a shrink recommends either Seroquel or effexor (common brain drugs, especially in the military and I assume police forces as well) get a second opinion. The side effects of effexor were very mild but withdrawal when it was time to stop was crippling. The internet forums full of effexor withdrawal horror stories are seriously legit.
 
How long does it take for things to get better? I don't mean to gross anyone out, but I've had my shades drawn from 3 weeks, sleeping at least 14 hours per day. I haven't left the house or been outside in 2 weeks. My house is a disgusting disaster, and anyone that knows me knows that I am the cleanest person in the world... I haven't shaven or showered in 2 weeks. I smell :)

I know that I have to get off of my *** and shower, shave, clean the house and get out in the sun... I just don't care anymore. I hate walking around in the squalor that I've created (trash and food and things strewn about)... thats why I close my bedroom door and try to sleep.

I know I can get over this. I know that it will take days for the alcohol withdrawals to subside. I know that in 4-5 days, I'll wake up and feel the motivation to mow the lawn. I'm just afraid of the withdrawal symptoms, the sadness that inevitably comes every night, having to face people.

I gave out candy last night night and it felt good to have human interaction (again, no wife/dogs/friends/family) in 2 weeks. But I found myself having to hold back tears on occasion when talking to the kids and parents. I don't want to be that "creepy" guy.

And honestly, my wife is playing games. I've been keeping my phone off most of the day day. On Halloween (my 2nd favorite holiday), I turned my phone on at 5PM. She called around 6 and said "I called you earlier today because I was looking at flights to come back home, I just didn't do it."
 
I can't tell you how long it will take for things to get better. What I can tell you with certainty is that it will get better. Your recovery from this will depend on what steps you take to heal.

I think it's great that you took the step to hand out candy last night. Keep focusing on how good it felt to have human interaction. Don't answer calls from your wife right now. You need positive interactions, and if she's going to play games, then interacting with her isn't worth it.

You seem to really want human contact. That's positive. Opening your door to give candy to kids was the first step. Now you need to decide what the second step is. Do you have other family you can call? A sibling, perhaps? Would you consider calling a mental health crisis line? Even if you don't have the energy to leave the house right now, can you find enough to make a call?
 


I have 3 appointments schedules this week... 1 with student outreach (Im a graduate student), 1 with student counseling and 1 with student health services.
 
I know I can beat this... I've done it before with the help of my wife. I don't have her this time which is making it damn near impossible.
 
That's great to hear. While your wife may have been there for support before, it was your own inner strength that beat it before. Don't discount that.
 
I asked this in the "hello" forum... i know its not the appropriate place, but do you want to talk about the mine train? It helps to get my mind off things.

I know that a lot of people think it's too short, but my wife and I (a few weeks ago) were fortunate enough to ride it twice, and aside from Rock n' Roller Coaster, it's my favorite ride.
 
I love how the imagineers keep coming up with new ways to design rides. If I was smart enough to be an engineer, that would be my dream job... While my wife would look at animatronics, I would look at lighting, sound and speaker placement. I love behind the scenes stuff. I'm a Ph.D. student, but in the social sciences, not the "real sciences."
 
I asked this in the "hello" forum... i know its not the appropriate place, but do you want to talk about the mine train? It helps to get my mind off things.

I know that a lot of people think it's too short, but my wife and I (a few weeks ago) were fortunate enough to ride it twice, and aside from Rock n' Roller Coaster, it's my favorite ride.

I have never been able to ride 7DMT yet. Right now, some of my physical issues are preventing me from riding a *bunch* of the rides; if I can't ride on (in my personal device, or a Parks wheelchair) then I can't experience it. At the moment. It's one of my big goals at Physical Therapy, to be able to ride pretty much anything my back can tolerate! :) So, I have watched a TON of POV videos; same with POC, anything at Pandora and FEA at Epcot. I'm especially interested in Frozen Ever After, simply because I do want to see the new generation of AA in action!

We went to MK for the first time in July of 1972 - it was my 12th birthday. My dad had grudgingly acquiesced - as long as we didn't spend more than 2 days in central Florida! His "sticker shock" at the prices for tickets and souvenirs was all forgotten in the face of the ride technology. He was fascinated with the animatronics, first at Country Bears, and then Haunted Mansion about blew his mind... and then we rode "If You Had Wings", and all bets were off. The speed room was all he could talk about for *days*. My mom and brother went to find a snack and some shade, and my Dad and I rode that thing two more times, each time waiting eagerly for the miracle that was the speed room.

So, I get it. The technology that goes into WDW is amazing, and I could spend hours just trying to figure out the forced perspective on Main Street in MK!

And BTW - social sciences are every bit as important as "real sciences", just in a different way! :)

One last thought for tonight - to go back to your original topic... I don't know how you feel about using personal technology, but Doctor On Demand (the service you can use to FaceTime with a real doctor, via an App for your device) now has mental health care available. You don't even have to leave the house. You're obviously a smart cookie - you can visit their website, or Google to learn more about how it works. I just wanted to let you know that resource is there. I have used Doctor On Demand before for stuff like sinus infections, ear infections, etc. and have had really good results. All of their doctors are licensed in the state you are in, and they can (and do) call in prescription meds to local (near to you) pharmacies.

I promise, I don't mean this to sound trite - but remember what Uncle Walt once said

walt-disney-keep-moving-forward.jpg

You will find your new path. :)
 
I love how the imagineers keep coming up with new ways to design rides. If I was smart enough to be an engineer, that would be my dream job... While my wife would look at animatronics, I would look at lighting, sound and speaker placement. I love behind the scenes stuff. I'm a Ph.D. student, but in the social sciences, not the "real sciences."
When we were at the Lion King show one of my sons did just that - all comments on the lights, the speakers, etc. It was actually really fun to hear him comment on everything - things that most people ignore or take for granted. I did tech crew in high school so sound, lighting, staging were my thing. I love that people recognize that everything on rides and in shows has a purpose.

As for the depression - been there. Reaching out, even virtually, is a wonderful first step. You will feel better when you've showered and cleaned up, but I get it. At this point it just seems like such and effort. And the water hurts. I don't know how to really explain it, but you feel every drop and it's painful. It will help though. Even if it's the only thing you get done today, it's a step. Always celebrate the smallest steps. The end of the tunnel seems so far away, but even an inch gets you closer.
 
I haven’t slept since yesterday. I’m not tired, but the “stuff” has worn off. I want to thank everyone for your words of wisdom and concern.

I think I’m “wearing down” my Wife to come home next week with the dogs.

At 0700, I’m not sure what hit me, but I did an hour of housework, laundry and dishes. I’m back sweating again, but it’s not an agitated sweat... it’s a “get the crap out of you” sweat. I finally bathed and I feel 35% there.

Again, thanks... no more shakes and fevers, at least!
 
When we were at the Lion King show one of my sons did just that - all comments on the lights, the speakers, etc. It was actually really fun to hear him comment on everything - things that most people ignore or take for granted. I did tech crew in high school so sound, lighting, staging were my thing. I love that people recognize that everything on rides and in shows has a purpose.

As for the depression - been there. Reaching out, even virtually, is a wonderful first step. You will feel better when you've showered and cleaned up, but I get it. At this point it just seems like such and effort. And the water hurts. I don't know how to really explain it, but you feel every drop and it's painful. It will help though. Even if it's the only thing you get done today, it's a step. Always celebrate the smallest steps. The end of the tunnel seems so far away, but even an inch gets you closer.


So, can you answer this for me? I know that all lighting has some purpose, but I see accent lighting on rides like toy story that seem to be aimed nowhere with filters for no reason. Why?
 
So, can you answer this for me? I know that all lighting has some purpose, but I see accent lighting on rides like toy story that seem to be aimed nowhere with filters for no reason. Why?

I saw an interview with an Imagineer once, and he said something to the effect of "EVERYTHING at the Parks has a purpose. It may not be apparent at first - or ever - to the Guest, but it is there for a reason".

It could be for any number of things - for example, the effect that you get when the ride whips around corners, and the colors all blur together. Or, those lights could be a decoy to attract your attention *away* from something else... And knowing Disney, they could even contain some additional form of tech (a hidden speaker or sensors, or even just security cameras) that the light hides from our side of the "show".
 

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